So, I have been missing in action again. The last time I posted I was in the process of preparing for a figure competition for NPC. I was super into it and worked myself harder than I ever have. I was extremely focused and determined. However, this focus was short-lived. My body responded quickly to diet changes and I lost a lot of weight. I had abs popping out for the first time in my life and I was psyched.
My body started to crave foods I had never eaten regularly. My cheat meals turned into cheat days into weeks. I was starting to lose control and that was not okay with me. I consider myself sort of a perfectionist, so I was very hard on myself when I fell short. I would mentally beat myself down. I tried to do damage control and do extra cardio to try and counter the damage I had done, but that never worked.
I knew my body wasn’t happy with what I was doing to it. I was taking in a bunch of substances that it didn’t know what to do with, and I was taking in so many calories when I binged. The binges brought terrible feelings with them. I felt awful about myself and didn’t understand what was going on or how to stop.
Prep was the only thing that mattered while I was on it. My relationships with my family suffered, and I didn’t have the time or energy to care about how I was treating them. I isolated myself in hopes of getting back on track, but that didn’t work for long either. I grew weaker and weaker, and I could barley handle my daily activities. Everything hurt, and I would find myself unable to focus. Working out became something I really dreaded, when it was the one thing that always made me feel better in the past.
I felt like I was all alone, and my depression grew. I tried a lot of different approaches and methods to try and regain control, but none of them were successful. I fell down and picked myself up more times than I could count. I did it every day, only to repeat the cycle again. It was the worst feeling in the world.
Two weeks out from my show, I decided not to go through with it. My health had declined and I was not in a healthy mental state. I didn’t regret anything because I learned from it, but I am still currently struggling a lot. I have yet to get my binging under control and it is very scary to experience this almost non-stop. I know my hormones are all out of whack from the dieting and supplements. These imbalances have been affecting my emotions and I have been anxious and depressed often. There has to be psychological components as well, but getting my body away from processed foods should help me focus more on health.
I decided to reach out and find alternative help. I was so ashamed, so I avoided this until a few days ago. (This cycle has been going on for about 3 months) I know I need to attend to my mental health so I can start to recover from this eating disorder.
I feel very lost. This is something that is very difficult for me to talk about and put out there. Health and fitness are my life. I was so passionate about these things. They are principles that guided my entire life. Hell, its my job also. I just know that I have no control where I thought I had control. Right now, thinking I have any control is destructive to my well-being. A friend of mine convinced me to delete myfitnesspal, an app that I lived through for years now. Though I am suffering more than I ever have in my life, this will all be worth it if I could overcome this and help other people in similar situations. That is all I want in life.
I will keep yall posted on my progress. I will write more because it is one of the only things that gets me out of the obsession and compulsion to eat. It is the only time I am not running or hiding. I am choosing to live in the solution and move forward because today is a new day. Even if you fall a million times, get up one more. There is always hope, even when you have a hard time believing in the moment. I can’t pretend to be perfect anymore. I struggle more than I let on, and my hope for recovering lies in being real and authentic. We are all human and hiding only hurts ourselves.