Living in the Solution: New Goals/Perspectives

Hey friends! I wanted to elaborate on what it felt like for me to hit rock bottom, emotionally. I also wanted to talk about what I’m doing about it/how I’m currently coping and all that good stuff.

As much as I wish it weren’t true, I’ve always been someone who cares a lot about what people think. In the past I have let this keep me stuck in fear, but today I refuse to let that stop me from moving forward in my life. I know that I don’t have to stay stuck, so that gives me hope. Sometimes you need to create your own hope when you can’t seem to find it. There is always something to be grateful for. For the first time in my life, I like who I am, even though sometimes I struggle a lot.

I decided to set up a bunch of doctor appointments throughout the next few weeks to see what is going on in regards to my physical health. I doubt much has changed for the better because until a few days ago, I was struggling with consistency in my diet. It was the hardest thing to get through the past few days, but it felt amazing when I did. I have been taking things as slow as I need to, and incorporating healthy habits into my life while trying to be present and mindful of my feelings and thoughts. I set up an appointment with a psychologist to help me stay accountable and honest.

I have to keep focused and remember that my goals are going to be very different than they were before, and that my lifestyle is going to be different until I find some kind of balance that works with my fitness goals. I am used to being super structured as far as training and nutrition goes, but that is not conducive to my mental state right now. I’m not saying that I am going to stop working out or eating as clean as I can handle, but I’m not going to make myself crazy over it. Control is something that I lack right now, so attempting to control things is going to make things worse.

I am grateful through my hardships because they allow me to empathize more with others. They make me a better, less judgmental person. I gain perspectives that I would never have the opportunity to experience if they had never occurred. The best part of it all is that I might be able to help someone else through my experience.

Looking at what I can gain really brightens things up in this situation and gives me hope. It gets me excited to get better. I’ve never felt so scared, but optimistic at the same time.

Sometimes Things Don’t Go According to Plan

So, I have been missing in action again. The last time I posted I was in the process of preparing for a figure competition for NPC. I was super into it and worked myself harder than I ever have. I was extremely focused and determined. However, this focus was short-lived. My body responded quickly to diet changes and I lost a lot of weight. I had abs popping out for the first time in my life and I was psyched.

My body started to crave foods I had never eaten regularly. My cheat meals turned into cheat days into weeks. I was starting to lose control and that was not okay with me. I consider myself sort of a perfectionist, so I was very hard on myself when I fell short. I would mentally beat myself down. I tried to do damage control and do extra cardio to try and counter the damage I had done, but that never worked.

I knew my body wasn’t happy with what I was doing to it. I was taking in a bunch of substances that it didn’t know what to do with, and I was taking in so many calories when I binged. The binges brought terrible feelings with them. I felt awful about myself and didn’t understand what was going on or how to stop.

Prep was the only thing that mattered while I was on it. My relationships with my family suffered, and I didn’t have the time or energy to care about how I was treating them. I isolated myself in hopes of getting back on track, but that didn’t work for long either. I grew weaker and weaker, and I could barley handle my daily activities. Everything hurt, and I would find myself unable to focus. Working out became something I really dreaded, when it was the one thing that always made me feel better in the past.

I felt like I was all alone, and my depression grew. I tried a lot of different approaches and methods to try and regain control, but none of them were successful. I fell down and picked myself up more times than I could count. I did it every day, only to repeat the cycle again. It was the worst feeling in the world.

Two weeks out from my show, I decided not to go through with it. My health had declined and I was not in a healthy mental state. I didn’t regret anything because I learned from it, but I am still currently struggling a lot. I have yet to get my binging under control and it is very scary to experience this almost non-stop. I know my hormones are all out of whack from the dieting and supplements. These imbalances have been affecting my emotions and I have been anxious and depressed often. There has to be psychological components as well, but getting my body away from processed foods should help me focus more on health.

I decided to reach out and find alternative help. I was so ashamed, so I avoided this until a few days ago. (This cycle has been going on for about 3 months) I know I need to attend to my mental health so I can start to recover from this eating disorder.

I feel very lost. This is something that is very difficult for me to talk about and put out there. Health and fitness are my life. I was so passionate about these things. They are principles that guided my entire life. Hell, its my job also. I just know that I have no control where I thought I had control. Right now, thinking I have any control is destructive to my well-being. A friend of mine convinced me to delete myfitnesspal, an app that I lived through for years now. Though I am suffering more than I ever have in my life, this will all be worth it if I could overcome this and help other people in similar situations. That is all I want in life.

I will keep yall posted on my progress. I will write more because it is one of the only things that gets me out of the obsession and compulsion to eat. It is the only time I am not running or hiding. I am choosing to live in the solution and move forward because today is a new day. Even if you fall a million times, get up one more. There is always hope, even when you have a hard time believing in the moment. I can’t pretend to be perfect anymore. I struggle more than I let on, and my hope for recovering lies in being real and authentic. We are all human and hiding only hurts ourselves.

Goals and Aspirations for After Prep

Hey there all! I hope everyone had a great week. I gotta say that I did. I just felt a good balance and serenity that I don’t feel all the time and I’m diggin it! I decided to take a few minutes and go over my goals and aspirations for after my competition because I think it is important to always have a solid plan. That’s just how I roll.

First and foremost, I plan on reverse dieting and slowly increasing my calories and decreasing my cardio as I continue to put on size. I refuse to let myself completely rebound after working my ass off. I would like to still seem relatively lean in this off season. I am excited to eat more and rest my body more and get healthy again so I am in the best position possible for the next prep.

The original plan was to hit a few stages, but I am listening to my body and it definitely doesn’t want that for me right now. I am also going to finally be responsible and think of my health and make a bunch of doctor appointments that I have been putting off for far too long.

I also plan on getting back to consistently working on my NASM corrective exercise certification and applying what I am learning with myself and my clients. I am almost finished but I have to study for the final exam, which I heard is pretty difficult. I am looking forward to focusing more on work and seeing what else is out there in terms of training. Some exciting things are in the works right now actually. My friend Lori and I are working on building a company that specializes in in-home personal training, so that’s really exciting and I’m looking forward to seeing how it grows.

A big one for me is that I also want to travel more and gain more lovely experiences to look back on. Life is too short and I feel like I haven’t done much because I was never in the position to. Not that I’m loaded or anything, but I have some money saved and I have a more flexible schedule now than I will probably have again for a very long time after the next year or so.

Somewhere in between all those other goals, my priority is to save money at the same time and work on moving out of my house and living on my own. I’m not sure when that will be. My goal for myself is sometime next year or the following year at the absolute latest. I would like to live in Florida, so that is something I have been seriously considering.

So, that’s where I am currently at. This experience has definitely made me look at life differently, but I will save that for another post! Hope everyone has an awesome weekend! Thanks for following.

Getting Through Struggles..Going Forward

I want to take some time and talk about something that I found myself really struggling with the past 2 weeks of prep. This is something that I haven’t had a problem with in a long time and I am still pretty baffled about what brought it on, and that problem is binging. It started as a cheat meal, then turned into a reefed, then turned into an all out binge. This happened several times.

I’m sure it is completely normal to feel hungry and depleted during contest prep, but this was something different. I feel so many different emotions about it- a lot of guilt, shame, and negative feelings that I never want to feel. It’s hard for me to even talk about it because I am a perfectionist and like to believe that I have more control than I do in every situation.

I kept trying to undo the damage I had done by trying to do crazy amounts of cardio and lifts, but this did not work. I felt completely fatigued, like a hamster on a wheel. I knew this wasn’t going to work, so I did some research.

I came across a nice reminder. That reminder was that I should avoid having that restricted mentality. I have a goal and it is an aggressive one. HOWEVER, I can eat whatever I want, if I wanted. If I do that, I won’t be stepping on stage in April if I decided to keep going down that road.

So, the key is to not think that you can’t have something. You CAN, have it. You can also make a choice NOT to have it, because it isn’t conducive to your success and your goals and because it just most likely isn’t good for your body. This is so simple, but it was just what I needed to get myself back on track and serious. Remembering you have a choice is simple, but so helpful. You can make a choice that will take you away from your goal and ultimately your own happiness, or you can make a choice that will help you get to your goal. I chose the second.

It is never cut and dry. I think some people can benefit greatly from cheat meals or refeeds. I can when I’m not on prep. However, I have an addictive personality so its all or nothing for me right now. I am glad that I am aware of that and can now continue to move forward and give it my all until show day J

11 weeks out from the mental aspect

Happy Friday everyone! I hope everyone had an epic week. I posted yesterday about physique progress and the physical part of where I am at right now in my contest prep. Today I wanted to focus on what else is going on, including the mental and emotional parts.

It comes as no surprise that a lot of people struggle with some kind of method of covering up their anxieties or other emotional discomfort in some way. Food is a really common way to do this. Food takes our mind off a lot of things that we might not feel like dealing with in the moment. I know I was guilty of this. However, not being able to turn to food has forced me to deal with some things that I had been masking.

I am really fortunate that I have met a few really cool people in the last few months that share my passion for fitness and this lifestyle. For the first time in my life I feel like I have some positive people in my life and I actually feel worthy of good things. I have felt so good and happy, which has caused me to take a look and finally do something about a situation that was bringing me down and putting me into a continuous cycle of being in a funk. Sometimes we have these comfortable behaviors that we know aren’t good for our emotional and mental health, but we get stuck in them because they may remind us of what we were used to in the past. Unfortunately, though we know we deserve so much more than what we put up with, it can still be really hard to let go and move on from them.

So I’m going to cut to the chase now and get right to it. There was a guy that I met last year that I fell really hard and fast for because for the first time in my life I thought I found someone who had everything that I wanted. We had similar interests and got along really well and made each other laugh. I found out shortly after that we just weren’t on the same page and I could have stopped there and walked away, but I wasn’t confident enough to do it at that time. I was scared that I might not find someone I liked again. It felt like the small amount of time we spent together made it worth all the pain and suffering that I would go through after reality set back in. I valued him as a friend, but I wasn’t and still am not even sure that he even viewed me the same way. Anyways, to make a long story short, I decided to take a huge step for me and finally walk away from that situation. It might not seem like much to most people, but it was very freeing for me to make a decision purely putting myself first and doing what was best for me in the long run. I feel that it was blocking a lot of good things from coming my way in life, and I feel like I can finally breathe. Sure, I am going to miss this person a lot, but nothing is worth feeling like you don’t deserve what you want or that you just aren’t good enough as you are.

Rant over. If you read that, thanks. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend and does things that make them happy. 🙂 Life is meant to be enjoyed!

11 week out.. update on physical state

Good morning 🙂 I Hope everyone is having a lovely week. I just wanted to post about what is going on at this time during my prep because I haven’t posted in a little bit. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling well for those weeks and found it nearly impossible to get anything extra done in my life. I missed several weeks of going to the chiro, which isn’t good for me with my neck issues. I ended up passing out at the gym one day last week, probably due to something with my pinched nerve (no bueno). I’m happy to say that as of the past few days, I am feeling much better and healthier.

So, I have 11 weeks left until my show on April 9th, and it has definitely got a lot more challenging for me to stay focused. I had almost no fats in my diet and it was taking a toll on my body. I didn’t feel as if things were functioning properly and I was in a bit of a funk. I also struggled with going overboard on my cheats, which only made things worse. I sort of took my diet into my own hands and very slowly added certain healthy fats in place a some of my macros that had been coming from carbs. I still followed my plan, but used my knowledge of nutrition (NASM FNS FTW!!!)

I am learning a a lot about my body and what is best for me. There are so many different approaches to bodybuilding, and not all of them work for everybody. Some people do better on higher carbs while some function better on a higher fat diet. I think I am the latter. So, now I am at a point in prep where I am carb cycling. Right now this means that I have several days a week which I take in almost zero carbs, except for very low carbs from my veggies and nuts that I am eating (which are almost nothing). I am doing well with this so far.

I also experienced a lot of mental/emotional stuff that I will post about in a separate blog, because that will make this much too long and I don’t want to ramble. I’m going to post pictures of my physique progress in another post following, so y’all can see what work was done so far during prep.

Have an awesome day! ❤ xoxox



Checking your motives, reassessing your current state

Hi there! I wanted to post about something that I am currently experiencing that has been the biggest obstacle I have encountered on this journey so far. I am a super focused person and this prep so far has revealed that to me and made it more apparent than it has ever been. However, I have noticed myself becoming more and more isolated and to be honest, not a pleasant person to be around.

I think dedication is an amazing thing, and I value that so much. What I don’t value though is that I have been pretty terrible to the people close to me, mostly my Mom and family. I have had no filter and no serenity the past few weeks and it is taking a toll on me. I feel that this is due to my body adjusting and my hormones not knowing what to do. I have felt sick for about a week now with vertigo, nausea and headaches. My sleep was suffering as well and this probably has a lot to do with it also.

It can be a combination of things, but that is not the point of this post. Yesterday morning I  took it out on my family again, and each time it happens, I am less ok with it. I am the kind of person who likes to live in the solution and keep things moving. I don’t like to repeat my mistakes over and over again only to keep doing that same behavior if it hurts the people closest to me.

I questioned if doing the show was really worth it if I couldn’t control my actions or emotions, but I decided to follow through regardless. I realized that there is more than one way to do things, and if one way isn’t working I can go another route to get to my goal. This means I might have to go more outside my comfort zone and reach out for help, even though I like to be a hero and do everything myself.

To wrap up this rant, it is perfectly ok to question your motives and make sure your goal is worth the sacrifice. My main reason for doing this is to become a better version of myself. I want to grow, not live in the negative behaviors I were expressing. I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself. This isn’t bad. Everyone has room to improve.

Have a great weekend 🙂

Trying to expand my horizons.. on social media

Good morning everyone! Happy Monday! I’m feeling pretty damn good about this being the first full week of 2016. I was never really one to come up with New Year’s resolutions, because I try my best to live with integrity every single day and always have a few goals that I’m working toward. Timing will NEVER perfect in anyones lives, so I’m a firm believer in just going for what you want and what is going to grow you and get you closer to who/what you want to be.

I’ve found that sharing my journey with other people makes me feel better and hope that it inspires people as well. I decided to try and grow my social media platforms to reach more people and connect with more people who have similar goals for themselves, not only through fitness but to just do better in life in general. I wanted to post about this because it helps with accountability to tell other people about it. OK, so the point of this post is that I have decided to start a youtube channel. I’ve had one to watch other people’s videos, but I have never posted anything of my own. I have no idea how to really use it, but we all have to start somewhere and that is what I’m going to do. I will post it when it’s up in case anyone is interested.

Have a lovely week friends.

Dealing with things as they come up..

Happy New Year all. I don’t want to be negative or depressing on the first day of the New Year, but I am feeling a certain way. I have very high hopes for the year to come and I am looking forward to what is to come. I am however, dealing with feelings of loneliness today. I worked today and came home and found myself bored, not knowing what to do with myself. I decided to do my body a solid, and take a rest day from lifting (I did cardio this morning).

All I wanted to do was eat everything I couldn’t have (being on prep). I was so tempted to take my cheat meal, mainly because I didn’t like the way I was feeling. All I could think about was getting out of these feelings in some way. Lifting usually does wonders for getting me out of that negative headspace, but it was my day off so I was left with myself.

It really makes you think when you can’t turn to negative behaviors to make yourself feel better. It is human nature, and having an addictive personality makes it worse. I decided to post about it in hopes that anyone might be able to relate. If not, it seems to be helping me regardless.

I don’t even really know the point of this post, I guess it is just to bring awareness of the severity of our nature to want to escape negative feelings. Depression is no joke, but we are the only ones who can help ourselves. I know that I can’t expect anyone else to make me feel better. This is just something that I have to work through on my own.